'England in battle to avoid worst Ashes tour in modern times'

Ben Stokes

How do you feel?

Angry? Depressed? A sense of deja vu?

What about hoodwinked for believing England had a chance of competing in Australia?

Overall, it is probably a feeling of profound sadness.

Realistically, albeit not mathematically, this Ashes series is over in six days of cricket.

England have never come from 2-0 down to beat Australia, who have the added security of holding the urn. Australia have not lost three consecutive home Tests to anyone in 38 years.

There will be no defining series win for the Ben Stokes-Brendon McCullum era.

Instead, this team is battling to avoid the worst England performance on an Ashes tour this century.

There have been some belters either side of a 2010-11 victory that is increasingly starting to feel like a fever dream of sprinkler dances, a Swann keeping a diary and a knight of the realm wearing a chef's hat.

In 2002-03 England lost 4-1 but took hope from the runs of Michael Vaughan. In 2006-07, England's Ashes winners of 2005 were ravaged by injury and felt the wrath of one of the greatest teams of all time.

There has been revisionism about 2013-14. England arrived as favourites, though any team would have been destroyed by Mitchell Johnson. Four years later was the birth of Australia's 'big four' attack. Last time - the Covid tour of 2021-22 - England had no chance.

This? This was England's big opportunity. The most anticipated Ashes series in a generation.

This is why James Anderson was pensioned off, why performances in domestic cricket were largely ignored and why parts of the County Championship were turned into an experiment with the Kookaburra ball.

Australia were supposed to be ageing and in decline - "the worst team in 15 years". Instead, the home side have rissoled England with their reserve bowling attack and opening batter Usman Khawaja out with a bad back.

Steve Smith has been able to spend time revising Monty Panesar's answers on Mastermind, and Pat Cummins felt comfortable enough to go through a charade over whether or not he would play at the Gabba.

All that talk about Test cricket being so different from county cricket? Michael Neser has taken wickets bowling medium-fast with the keeper up to the stumps. Where's Darren Stevens when you need him?

The biggest insult was the Brisbane crowd voting Australia's Bluey as the superior children's cartoon to the UK's Peppa Pig. This England team owe Peppa an apology. She would probably do a better job in the top order.

The most hostile pace attack England have sent to Australia since 1970 have bowled well for one session. Shoaib Bashir, a spinner backed specifically for this tour, is still to play on it.